Musical Chair Master

When I start a new job or a enter an unfamiliar social circle, it takes 2-4 months for me to really make people my friends. Why so long you ask? I think it's because I can come across as an annoying, uptight goody-two-shoes, but that's just a theory. However, after this 2-4 month period, I usually end up doing something outrageously funny that wins everyone over. At this point, people realize I'm a little bit awesome.

That's me. I am that one friend.

I have been working at Perkins since May, and experienced one of those friend-defining moments last night with my coworkers. Since I started, I've heard the night servers talking about "black-out Monday" and how they go out together drinking on Mondays. I have waited patiently to have a Monday night off and receive an invitation to join. It finally happened this weekend!

The night started off mellow. I grabbed dinner and a few drinks with other friends and then met up with my coworkers. By the time we left the first bar, I was about 3 shots and 4 mixed drinks in, and I was feeling pretty good. We decided to go to Bucks, which is our town's trashy bar. It's not that the bar or drinks are that bad, it's just the atmosphere attracts a lot of annoying, trashy people. Also, bad (embarrassing) things always happen at Bucks.

Shortly after arriving, I notice that the DJ is setting up chairs in a circle on the dance floor. I have a momentary freak out. "Is he setting up musical chairs?!" I exclaim to everyone around me. If there is one thing that I enjoy it is children's games played by drunk adults. I walk up to the DJ and confirm that musical chairs is, in fact, happening. I immediately take a seat. My coworkers all go outside for a cigarette. (Bars are smoke free in North Dakota.)

expectation

reality 

I'm sitting there on my own, feeling a little bit like a loser. However, if there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I get extremely competitive in situations such as these. (I once stuffed 4 zebra cakes, one at a time, whole in my mouth to win an eating competition in which the prize was a t-shirt.) The rules are simple: you must keep dancing; if you are without a chair when the music stops, you loose; and if two butts end up on one chair, there will be a dance-off to decide who remains in the game. The winner receives a $25 gift certificate.

The game is a few rounds under way when I see my coworkers come back inside. There has already been one dance-off, I have been sat on twice, and I've hip checked a girl off of my chair. I see them laughing at me and cheering me on, and my confidence increases. I'm getting really into the dancing and the game by this point.

There's another dance-off that gets a sexual, and we're down to about 10 people. All of the sudden, I realize that my butt is sharing a seat with someone else. I look at my coworkers, horrified. "I do NOT want to do a dance-off," I yell to them.

I'm not a terrible dancer, nor am I completely unattractive. Still, I'm a full-figured, married lady, and the girl I'm up against is much hotter and much more single than I am. The winner of the dance-off is decided by how loud the crowd cheers for you, and I know she's already got 90% of the male patrons' attention. Instead of loosing gracefully, I figure my best bet is to be as ridiculous as possible. I start doing my pizza dough dance (don't ask) and then thrashing around. When she starts doing a booty-shaking- sexy dance, I simply start grinding up on her. Basically, I danced like the white girl that I am. In the end, it was a very close call, but I won by sheer hilarity and commitment.

The game continues, my friends are loving it (this is the moment when they went from coworkers to friends, you see). I notice a couple guys on the side trying to get my attention. At first, I thought they were trash-talking me and telling me I shouldn't win. I felt embarrassed for a moment. Maybe my dance-off-ing went too far? Then I realize, they are telling me that I should win. I'm now so cool that I have strangers forming a cheering section.

The rest of the game went quickly, and after making a complete fool of myself, there is no way I'm loosing. I ended up winning the won the $25 gift certificate. I have also won over my coworkers. I now consider myself the Sheldon Cooper of musical chairs.

I feel like work will be a much more enjoyable experience now. My new friends are the coolest. We also met Jim from Minnesota, Breanne  pretended to poop in a mailbox, and I almost punched a guy for spilling his beer on Kimber's dress. Ahhhh, Perkins adventures. I feel that this was the first of many for me.

Rudest Guest Award

I work at Perkins Restaurant and Bakery. Sometimes I work mornings when the little old couples come in with their very specific orders of "extra crispy hashbrowns made without oil or grease." FYI, it's impossible to fry hashbrowns without butter/oil/grease/etc. Sometimes I work late a night when incredibly drunk people come in. They orders are more along the lines of, "Damn girl you sexy and fluffy. I want the breakfast with ALL THE GRAVY ON IT!" In other words, I deal with varying degrees of crazy customers, and yes, there are always the normal, nice guests who don't need any special modifications to their food and who tip well.

However, this evening I encountered a man who quiet possibly takes the cake in rudeness. I got to work at 3pm, and it soon became unexpectedly busy. Not overwhelming but I was the only server on, and at that time of day, everyone wants pie and dessert, which means extra work for me. I soon noticed an older gentleman with a walker making his way to the back of the restaurant (which just so happened to be a closed section that wasn't being seated at all). He sat himself down at a booth, and I made my way over to get his beverage order and ask if he needed to see a menu.

"I'll get you a menu in just a minute. Can I get you a coffee, coke, or an ice tea?" I asked.

He barked back, "I want a coffee, but I don't want one of them big pots, and I don't want to pay $2.something for it either."

"I'm sorry, but we only have one price for coffee even if you just drink one cup. I can bring you something else, maybe a water if you don't want to pay for a drink."

"I don't want any of that. Just bring me a cup of coffee and don't charge me the $2.29."

I was confused. I smiled and said, "I'll see what I can do." I then proceeded to go to my manager and ask if there was any way to not charge this man full price for a single cup of coffee. She went to talk to him and returned a moment later telling me to bring him water. I did so.

He took the menu from me. "You shouldn't have sent her over here. You're not no waitress. I used to wait tables and you're not no real waitress."

This is not me. I am NOT a "real waitress."

At this point, I was offended both by his attitude and his terrible grammar. I really dislike when people use double negatives! Still, I simply asked, "Do you need a couple minutes with the menu?"

Then the man got sassy. "Do you need a couple minutes with the menu?" he repeated in a falsetto imitation of my voice, "Lalananomanoma."

I am pretty sure I stood there with my mouth open for a minute, shocked that he was literally making fun of me. I'm usually pretty easy-going and like to joke with my tables, but this man wasn't joking. I gave him a few minutes with the menu and tended to my other tables, still in disbelief.

I came back and he ordered the 55+ Classic Egg Favorites. This meal requires 4 questions (with several sub question possibilities): 1) bacon or sausage? 2) how would you like your egg? 3) hashbrowns, breakfast potatoes, or fruit? and 4) toast, pancakes, or a muffin?

I had barely made it through question 3, when he cut me off, "You're missing something." He read his menu carefully, "You missed a question."

I barely kept my cool, but I smiled, "Yes, I know, I'm getting to that. Now would you like toast, pancakes, or a muffin?"

"You got biscuits?"

"Oh yeah, we can do biscuits if you want."

"I want biscuits."

I got to the back and shook my head, laughing a little at my luck. I informed my manager of his impersonation, and we didn't know whether to be offended or laugh. I rang in his food. We had one of our fasted cooks on so it was done in no time. I took it out to him.

He stared at the food for a moment. "Where are my hot cakes?" he asked grumpily.

At this point, I was just hoping he wouldn't imitate me again or insult me further, so I recoiled, "I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted biscuits. When I asked 'pancakes, toast, or a muffin', I thought you asked for biscuits instead."

"You never asked me that," he said a bit angrily, "I want hot cakes."

"Okay, no problem. I'll take the biscuits back and have some pancakes made."

=

 
His order was corrected, he never needed a refill on his water, and he did not want dessert. I, thankfully, dropped the check for $6.41 with him, and (after being forced to bring him his walker, which he had left up front) I said goodbye.

I was left thinking he was just a grumpy, slightly strange. lonely, old man when the host came up to me. He informed me that he had left payment on the table, but he had only left $6.00. He couldn't even pay the full bill, and he left not tip! Okay, maybe I wasn't the best server he's ever had or even a "real waitress" apparently, but I couldn't believe he wasn't able to fork over an additional $0.41 to pay for his meal.

It was the strangest, most off-putting encounter I've experienced in awhile, and I've encountered some crazy/strange/rude/hilarious people in my 5 years as a server.